Humans: Check your priorities, please.
(And whatever you do … do not place it in the microwave to see if it will explode!)
The murders began at the end of November and continued through December.
Some of the murders were done by hired killers out in the countryside. Others were committed by dedicated dads and moms in the suburbs to please their offspring. Still others were carried out by well intentioned young men from the city to impress their girlfriend or new bride.
These brutalities were accomplished with chainsaws, axes, hatchets, or other sharp-edged implements — in broad daylight!
No one reported hearing any screams. When interviewed, folks reported the victim was very quiet, never caused any trouble, and kept to themselves. Then, the witness would slam their door shut to prevent reporters from peering into their own homes.
Why? What were they hiding? Did they commit one of these atrocities themselves? Was there a path of evidence strewn across their living room floor leading to the front door? And what was that scattering of brownish-green specks trailing to the curb?
Yes. Christmas is over, and the dead bodies of blue spruce, balsam pine, and every species of fir tree are piling up outside of homes across America.
We chop them down. Drag them in. Argue over the best side to face ‘out’ avoiding the obvious hole Mother Nature laughingly placed in the most inconvenient spot. Adorn them with ornaments that refuse to hang straight and lights that never fail to blink out in one section just when we think we’re all done. Water them when we manage to remember. Declare them to be the most beautiful Christmas tree we’ve ever had. Demand family and friends pose in front of them for photos. Become one with our vacuum cleaner for the duration of the holidays.
Then . . . when the New Year celebrations end, we strip our victims of their colorful decorations, curse their falling needles poking up through our carpets, and drag them to the curb. No remorse. No fond farewell. No looking back. Good riddance.
A simple promise passing our lips: “No live tree ever again.”
Until next year comes, and the killing begins again.
STAY CALM, and:
Finish shopping for your family, and 75 of your closest friends and colleagues, making sure you stay under that $200 limit you set for yourself this year;
Bake 500 dozen cookies that are so special no one has ever eaten them before;
Decorate at least three trees of varying size for inside your house with different themes, one of which must be woodland creatures;
Check batteries on all those “safe” candles you now own, so the cats and dogs, and babies don’t set themselves on fire;
Add one more string of lights outside, so TV station satellites can pick out the glow of your home from space;
Cook every kind of meat that exists so everyone (including that Uncle we all have) enjoys Christmas dinner;
Cook every vegan dish you can think of so the two people you know who are vegan don’t starve;
Send out at least two thousand Christmas/holiday cards to remind everyone you’ve ever met in your life that you are still alive;
And, most importantly — make sure the liquor cabinet is well-stocked, so you can accomplish all of the above!
Enjoy the holidays . . . and try not to hurt anyone.
From our castle to yours … MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
(For those who have seen The Sound of Music – this will make sense. If you haven’t – watching it would make a lovely New Year’s Eve activity!)
AS A “BACK YARD BIRDER” TWITTER HAS A VERY DIFFERENT MEANING FOR ME!
FATHER’S DAY WAS YESTERDAY AND SUMMER ARRIVES TODAY!
TO MARK BOTH OF THESE IMPORTANT DATES ON THE CALENDAR—I DECIDED TO SHARE SOME SPECIAL “TWEETS!” Pour yourself a cool refreshing lemonade, iced tea, or something a little stronger, perhaps? And please do enjoy!
It’s a crazy-busy time of year, so I thought I’d share one of my yuletide favorites—it is a Letter from Santa!
“I’m writing this note to inform you that
misfortune has taken away,
The things that I need for my visit…
My presents, my reindeer, my sleigh.
Now, I’m making my rounds on a donkey
who is old, and feeble, and slow,
So, if you don’t see me this Christmas…
You’ll know I’m out on my ass in the snow!”
Hope you all have a fantastic holiday!
No time to blog this week, so I thought I’d give you a laugh! Happy Turkey Day, everyone!
Stern Words 